the table

“Doubt, if we allow it...can be our roadmap, leading us closer to the heart of God one turn at a time.”

Doubt. It’s a scary word for many people. It’s associated with countless sermons that claim it’s the thing that’s causing your faith to fail. But I am a chronic doubter, and it has both served me well and seemed to be my downfall many times. Doubt is a tricky beast. It is often silent, but when it prods, it prods. And no matter how much you try to fight it, no matter how many little Hobby Lobby phrases you use to try to boost your faith, it just doesn’t let up. Because Doubt is smart. It’s a freaking genius. It slithers through your thoughts in the trickiest of ways and pokes holes in even your most trusted beliefs. But like most beasts, Doubt has two sides. It is both the ruthless creature that shows no mercy and the endearingly misunderstood antagonist who just needed some romance.

Kinda like the dragon from Shrek.

Weird reference, I know. But for a child, that dragon could be scary and intimidating as heck. Of course, then there’s Donkey. And all of a sudden, that “treacherous beast” turns into a smitten, rosy-cheeked lady dragon with a crush.

Yes, I’m about to compare God to our beloved Don-kay (I’m writing that with Shrek’s Scottish accent in mind, so if you could do the same that would be sweet). Just follow me, an intellectual (lol), through this for a minute.

Our doubts, like that dragon, can be intimidating at first. They seem relentless and unforgiving. But then you watch the movie as an adult, and the dragon is not in the least bit frightening. You’ve grown up and realized there is nothing to fear. And even better, the dragon meets donkey. Your doubts meet God. And all of a sudden, we’re left with this beautifully messy and intertwined relationship full of mistakes, mercy, comfort, confusion, and the beauty of deeper understanding. And this is where the analogy ends. Because let’s be honest, the marriage of donkey and dragon is creepy and unsettling af. But the marriage of our doubts to a loving and merciful God is anything but unsettling. It allows us to show up as more than just spectators in our own divine story. We can now approach God with some serious inquiries. Because if we truly want to get to know him, what better way than to ask some questions?

He already knows what you’re wondering about, and he’s not afraid that he won’t have an adequate reply. Turns out, he too is an intellectual. What he wants is us to have the courage to bring our questions to him with honesty and humility. And that’s the difference between doubt and blind faith: one leads to intimacy, the other to isolation. When you have doubts, the thing not to do is be ashamed of yourself for not having a strong enough faith. To bring your doubts to God in humility saying, “I don’t get this…I want to understand, but I don’t see you” is a much different thing than to sit in the pew and try to ignore your thoughts going wild. Or maybe even having a conversation with him is a stretch for you right now. Maybe you’ve been so hurt by the church or other people’s idea of God that you want nothing to do with him. I’ve been there, and I totally feel you. But let me tell you something: God is also pissed that you’ve been hurt in his name. It breaks his heart that you have felt isolated by the people who were supposed to welcome you. It breaks his heart that he sent his son to show people how to love extravagantly, and we’re still getting it wrong. So vent to him about it!

If it makes you feel any better, I am not the only one who is welcoming to the idea of fighting your way through a sea of doubt for your faith. When we have to battle for belief, we start to value it that much more. Because it didn’t come easy. And I believe that anything actually worth believing is worth contemplating. George MacDonald, a famous theologian and a man that had profound impact on C.S. Lewis (which, if C.S. Lewis considered you a man of impact, you’ve got it together), asks this pointed question:

All that to say…God doesn’t want you to pray your doubts away. He wants you to lean in. Lean into your gut feeling that something isn’t right. Look into it further. Pray about it. More often than not, he’s trying to challenge something that is a counterfeit to who he is. And if you find yourself at the conclusion that God is anything but perfect love, you still have some digging to do.

Doubt, if we allow it, is the perfect fire under our seat to propel us out of complacency into a deeper, richer understanding of who God is. It can be our roadmap, leading us closer to the heart of God one turn at a time. It allows us to evaluate what we’ve been told is true and compare it to who God has shown Himself to be. And thank God for those who’ve had the bravery to do it. Because that meant they were thinking. And shockingly enough, God created our minds. He’s all about it. In fact, it’s included in the greatest of all commandments we’ve been given: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind,” (Matthew 22:37). Using our minds plays a pivotal role in how we love God. Not just our ability to think about him, but to learn about him. And in turn, to have an actual, mutual relationship with him.

So here’s to having some doubts and owning them too. Here’s to laying everything out on the table and not taking cheap answers. Here’s to not sweeping things under the rug. Let’s talk about the good stuff! Let’s talk about the stuff that makes us uncomfortable. And let’s allow God to unfold and uncover who he really is, and where he resides.

Disclaimer: I have a feeling he’s much bigger than we ever thought.